Faith, Love

and so it started

CYMERA_20160831_224851We found out my dad had cancer 20 months ago.  We were saddened by the news, but because it wasn’t very advanced, it didn’t seem real or terribly pressing.  He made the decision at the time not to fight it because of his age and his desire to maintain a good quality of life.

Yesterday though, it all got real.  As I stood next to my dad’s hospital bed he told me that the doctors had given him a more specific amount of days left.  All kinds of emotions came flooding in as my mom and I tried to process this news. I felt stunned.  I had no idea how to react.  Many of you know how this feels and can recall the exact moments in your life when you heard similar news.  It is nothing short of surreal.

During the last 24 hours I have held back tears numerous times.  When I talked to my daughters, I tried to remain factual so that I didn’t trigger panic in them.  When my mom started to get scared, I held back the tears so that she would be able to rely on my strength.  And today, I held back tears as my dad talked to his Palliative Team about my faith and writing because I didn’t want to ugly cry in front of strangers.  I decided tonight that I don’t need to hold them back any longer though. This crying is a gift.  This crying allows me to feel the sadness and to process the loss that is occurring.  It tells my dad that he matters to me and that I love him and will miss him greatly.  It supports the emotions of my mom and my girls and says that I’m here, fully present, and you can let go with me and be vulnerable.  My friends will also get to see me cry, not to make them feel awkward, but to open myself up to humbly receive kindness and care.  My hope is that by receiving this care, others will know that I am available for them when they need it from me too.

Y’all know that being authentic is really important to me.  I am no longer able to put on a happy face and pretend that life isn’t filled with a large spectrum of emotions and experiences.  And this time will be no different. My blog will be devoted to honestly seeking Jesus while grappling with this grief.  I know many of you have been here and I long for your support.   I know the last few weeks of his life will be hard as I wade through family emotions, give courage to my grieving girls, love and support my mom in the ways that she needs, and crown my dads life with gratitude and joy.

This journey I’ve just begun demands faithful companions.  I hope you’ll join me as I rely on Jesus hour by hour to hold me heart and my hand.

XOXO,

Summer

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “and so it started”

  1. Let it flow. I’m sorry you have to go through this pain, yet in a way it seems very rich and life-affirming. You can always cry with me. Even though we aren’t close yet, I would love to see us grow in friendship. I’m praying for you through this season.

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    1. Susie,
      Thank you for the prayers on my behalf. It means a lot to have you come along side me and support me at this time. Wednesday’s are my days in Santa Ana. I’d love to stop by your sweet little book store for a hi and a hug.
      Summer

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  2. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    Sweet Summer,

    Somewhere along the way we were taught to keep it all together. Crying is a good release of emotions that will enable you to have a better focus on what needs to be done. Consider crying like a detox for your mind, body, and soul. I give you all my love, prayers and strength. I wish I could say something to make it all better, make it go away.

    “The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears” ~John Vance Cheney

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  3. Hello Summer,
    You don’t know me but I know your Mom and Dad. I live in the Park where they live and my Mom and Dad knew them well, in fact they were neighbors when your Parents first moved in for a short time until my Parents moved to another unit in the Park. I am an only child and I lost both of my Parents a few years ago, first Mom then Dad a few years later. God is the only reason I got through it and am still here. I am sincere when I say I feel your pain. I want you to know that I am praying for your family and know God will give you Peace and Comfort through this trial. I am just a phone call away if you ever want to talk with someone that truly understands what you are going through. Your Mom has my number.
    God’s Blessings to you and your family.
    Nancy

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    1. Nancy, Thank you for your kind words and most importantly your prayers. The park that you live in has such a wonderful and supportive community. I hope to meet you- I live just on Los Mares and are up at the park daily. Please introduce yourself so I can get a hug from you.
      Summer

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  4. I admire your ability to write openly and honestly Summer. I hope that it relieves and know that your words inspire. Warm embrace and hugs, Velinda

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